No one will see this

No one will see these words, these thoughts

Especially not you

You who grew your hair out

And grew out of love

Tell me, was it gradual?

Or did you wake up one day and decide

Decide to break my heart

You who ruined those three words for me. 

The first time I heard them,

Were they real? 

Were we real?

Because we felt real for a while. 

We felt real to me

But then again I guess she felt real to you too. 

Eh hem, excuse me there was something in my throat

In my brain

In my heart

But it's gone now  

It's all gone now.

things I didn't learn in the classroom

sweet dreams

we haven't spoken in 36 hours and 13 minutes and you're fast asleep.

let me tell you that my heart has been breaking for 36 hours and 13 minutes
and I've only been eighteen for 27.

let me just say that it's 1:24 am and I'm getting over you.

let me tell you what I'm thinking before you tell me you have plans.

let me ask you a question before you change the subject.


let me move on before you apologize one more time.

       because maybe last time was the last time and we didn't even know it.

maybe you've already lost me but you're fast asleep.


sweet dreams.

remembering to breathe

right now im feeling sad in a want-to-cry sort of way

but im so done crying

right now im wondering why you didnt want to come over for dinner

right now the weight of the future is in my bones

and im finding it hard to breathe

right now is the time of night i regret not calling my grandmother

regret not telling her i love her one more time

while she still remembers my voice.

right now im wondering if youre thinking about me

but i feel like youre not

right now i feel kind of selfish

i guess crying is my release

i guess crying is when i remember to breathe

right now i need a hug

not from just anyone.

maybe from my mom because i know she means it.

maybe from my mom because i know she'll never let go.

what if she never lets go.

right now im remembering to breathe.

right now im remembering to breathe.

ten years

I was ten years old. 

I was ten years old baking snicker doodles in a one-time cooking class trying to find a hobby. My mom picked me up in so much pain that she was already on her way to the hospital. She was on her way to the hospital but she couldn't forget to pick up her baby. 

She was driving down north county boulevard and pulled over as she could no longer drive. We called my brother who was still 15 years old to come drive mom to the hospital. 

I remember our car parked on the side of the road. I remember my mom going into shock, freezing in an unnatural position. I remember that helpless feeling. I remember crying and jumping up and down outside the car. I remember a lady pulling over because she thought I was flagging her down. I remember there being nothing she could do. 

I don't remember the rest.

I honestly don't. 

I remember an emergency waiting room. I remember being afraid for my mom. 

I remember that feeling in my stomach I still get when I think about ever losing someone close to me. 

Because when you're ten years old you think you could lose your mom to a kidney stone. 

But she'll still pick you up from your cooking class, you can count on that. 

hello again

Sometimes

I was late to calculus because I was looking at the sky.

The clouds kept telling me to stay,

telling me they had more to show me

but I kept walking.

So maybe my soul's all right

but my body's all wrong.

Maybe my headaches keep me grounded.

Maybe they are all the words I could never say.

Maybe they are my insecurities or my failures,

pounding against my skull,

tired of being ignored.

Maybe I'm beautiful inside and maybe I know it inside.

Maybe God didn't like the look of my face when he saw it.

Sometimes I don't feel like myself.

Sometimes I feel okay.

Sometimes the clouds and the sky are putting on a show just for me

Sometimes.