KETCHIKAN: a tribute

a tribute to ketchikan

the bear 

the brother

the boy who changes his header every week

& puts more work into his blog than any of us

with admiration,

adeline

practice

dried flowers & dusty bookshelves

grateful for the lonely nights

grateful for the sour grapes
and bitter melons

grateful for cold & dry

grateful for the days when the words won't come

grateful for cold feet
& cold hands

grateful for dried flowers & stems

grateful for dusty bookshelves

& thankful for thesauruses.



because time marches on
& on

& one day you'll realize,
you'll know

that those lonely nights weren't as solitary as you thought

& the sour ones sacrificed
a little more
to give the others something to work with.

cold & dry always did give way eventually
& soon you felt the sun on your face
& you knew.

the days when the words did come
were the best days
& you knew.

cold feet were always more than needing warm socks
because nerves seem to always get the best of us.
& cold hands are best for holding,
holding hands to warm our frozen hearts.

those dried flowers & stems
are so much more than one night
or one break up.
they are people.
& memories of people.

dusty bookshelves are waiting
patiently
for you to enjoy
& once you indulge
you'll know

and now you know

that there's so much more

more than

lonely

& sour

& bitter

& cold

& dry

& dusty

so don't lose heart, darling

don't lose heart

because there are beautiful words to be spoken

& heard

& written

& one day

you'll know

[Adeline]

Dear [Adeline]

thank you for letting me cry into your pillow

and pretending not to mind when the tears spilled over onto this blog.

thank you for covering for me when I wanted to share

my deepest

because I don't think I could've done it without you.

thank you for agreeing with me

when I thought we deserved more comments

but not letting me wallow in self-pity

because you know me so well.

thank you for taking on a life of your own

and teaching me so much about myself

just by listening

& thank YOU

thank you

[Courtney Rome]

& [Eva Peron]
& [Cloudwatcher]
& [June Lancaster]
& [Avery Moon]

& every other

thank you for the promises to come back for more

since the very first "maybe"

and thank you for letting me take pride in the posts I wanted to delete

and thank you for your own,

the inspiration I couldn't have written one thing without.

thank you for sighing with me

and crying with me

and being patient with me

when I couldn't quite find the right words

& I never did mean to be the sad blog.

This isn't the end.
because this blog is far too therapeutic
to live without



[Adeline], you will be a favorite memory.
a sad smile
a good laugh

and now they'll call me

paige.

because life goes on

and pain demands to be felt.

xoxo,

Paige Smalley

Dreams be Dreams / They Do They Don't

an (experimental) Jack Johnson mash-up




She's just waiting for the summertime when the weather's fine
Tied down against the tracks
She could hitch a ride out of town
Screaming in silent black and white
And so far away from that low down
Why'd you trust us we are such villains
good for nothing
mistake making fool
With excuses like baby that was a long time ago
We would tell ourselves anything
But that's just a euphemism if you want the truth he was out of control
then your mind just won't let it go
To listen is to learn
Then too much is what we deserve

Well summer came along and it then was gone and so was she
And how come when we say that we do
We don't 
because he followed her just to let her know
A dream's a dream
we were used
Used to thinking we got nothing to lose
And all this living's so much harder than it seems
We're losing everything but the truth

But girl don't let your dreams be dreams 
With all its do's and don'ts 
The future is an empty promise
You know this living's not so hard as it seems
Don't let your dreams be dreams
Unconcerned and so tired of waiting
full of nightmares and when they open
There's no going back to the good old days 

Archaism is a dusty road leading us back to nowhere
Is walking straight into a roadblock
Don't let your dreams
Your dreams be dreams

How come when we say we do 
We don't
How come when we say we will

We won't

Dear [Adeline]

You're mistaken.
You keep thinking that I'm broken.

You write about those nights last January

those nights listening to those voice recordings.

You write about when he came home early.

& when you came too late.

You write about the forecast for the rest of her life

& that evening when you swear I was shattered

           & glistening on the floor of this rib cage.

but you're wrong.

You were wrong when you thought pieces of me were slipping

slipping through your tear ducts & into your shaking fingers.

You were wrong when you realized that rocking back & forth

back & forth

was helping.

When really you were giving me a headache

& when I get a headache,

you feel the heartache

& and we're both spiraling through time and heartbreak and

you were wrong.

And I know you'll never believe me

because you'll never see me

& you'll never see,

you'll never see that 

i am whole.

So go on thinking.

Go on feeling.

& go on writing as if I'm

broken

but you'll know,

you'll know that

You

Are

Almost

Always

Wrong.

still here,

still whole,

Your Heart.

heartstrings

and the tears on her pillow
are screaming

get over it
grow up
pick your battles

but no one picks their battles
battles pick you

heartache finds you
and heartbreak breaks you

and she's gasping for air

because her heartstrings,

her heartstrings somehow

got tangled around her lungs.

and she's not used to them being pulled in this way

and only the tears are left

screaming.